Family Dynamics
My mother died when I was 11, and even before that took place I was predominantly raised by her mother, a woman whom I deeply respect for taking on the task of raising a small child in her later stages of life but also (and predominantly!) for her fashion choices which make every photo of her look like she is being chased by paparazzi…
Now that all my key caregivers are gone, and I am a mother, I have no one left to provide insight into my own past or theirs...which has left me with a LOT of unanswered questions about my childhood family dynamics. Keeping my experience in mind, I have written a lot of notes to my own kids so that they can get to know who I am and why I make the choices I make, but also so they can know who they were as children. That way no matter how old I am when I die, they’ll be caught up to speed and not have to spend years digging through boxes of my personal shit looking for even the smallest insight into who I was, who they are or what the hell actually happened years ago. As this was obviously my experience, I can say decades worth of searching has provided all of zero answers…
As a point of reference, this is an example of a box that belonged to my grandmother…
Also, this…????
And not to forget this…
Anyway! I want my kids to always have as much information as is developmentally appropriate for them at the moment, but the notes and documentation I keep is really intended for them to have the more big picture information as adults or perhaps even if/when they choose to have their own kids. With that being said, this is an example note that I took in March...
“You two are Assholes. That is a matter of fact statement but luckily we love the shit out of you and you are both hilarious and adorable (thank goodness or we wouldn't make it through toddlerhood). Let me make it clear though, every child is both an asshole and the greatest person that ever existed. So the hope is that we as parents can appreciate all of it, and then get out of our own way to guide you to a middle ground. It’s our job to recognize that at this age you have no filter, so many things are totally new, and you have huge feelings that you don’t know what to do with trapped inside your tiny little bodies. We often envision you as…
Also, When we look at you… We see little versions of ourselves staring back…
So sometimes we get lost in our own adult emotional shit and miss out on opportunities to provide empathy for you.
It works out, though, that your dad and I like to laugh and make each other laugh a lot. Sometimes I feel bad because one of you will be having a full on meltdown and one of us will say something and start laughing so hard... I don’t ever want you to think we’re laughing at you while something is obviously bothering you... but good-ness! We have days where scream-crying happens in like 10 minute intervals for the better part of the day and not for any discernible reason.
There are soooo many reasons for meltdowns and sooooo many more times when the reasons are insane to us as adults… Leading examples at the moment Include but are not limited to:
Being tired
Trying to put on pants but both feet go through the same leg hole
Taking turns
Waking up
When you have to do something you don’t want to do
When you get to do something you do want to do
Noodles
So to sum everything up… You are super cute, super frustrating, tiny asshole versions of us, who have a love/hate relationship with noodles and we need to separate out our own adult BS enough to model for you how to become decent humans when you grow up… like a philanthropist, or Oprah, or a member of…
Next time I feel guilty for calling my kids whatever names may come to mind (in my BRAIN…or if I’m being totally honest, more likely in a low whisper under my breath… but definitely not my outloud voice…definitely. not. my out loud voice.) because a super sweet squishy moment took place 10 seconds after frustrating behavior, I like to remember this…
About Jessica Jack
Twin Mama, stand-up comedian, former school counselor, yoga instructor & more